Even so, her trauma is real.
Months after finding the salacious images on her husband’s tablet, she is still rehashing his disclosure, and his absurd assertion that it is all “no big deal.”
The unexpected, life-altering event that turned her sense of security inside out, and her life upside down,really happened. Grief, loss, and the struggle to survive it were shockingly dumped in her lap.
Partners of sex addicts endure uncontrollable thoughts and responses, flashbacks and nightmares, avoidance, and intense anxiety as the realities of sex addiction eat away at peace and forward movement.
To weather the pain of it, PTSD treatment could provide the tools and lifelines necessary to help the partner of a sex addict recover.
Let’s consider five ways a partner is traumatized, making PTSD a reality that must be addressed:
1. Discovery and disclosure create a crisis for partners of sex addicts. This is the initial point of trauma; the event that changes everything. It is as real and damaging to the partner as an unexpected tornado touching down in his or her living room.
2. The trauma is continually exacerbated, reiterated, and complicated by the partner’s relationship circumstances. Imagine constantly facing that tornado, its debris, and destruction at every turn. Similarly, the agent of the partner’s trauma, the addict, shares his or her home, family, and may or may not be receptive to making healthy changes. The sex addict’s deception, betrayal, and compartmentalization weigh heavily on his or her partner, inflicting more trauma on every area of the partner’s life, memories, and social connections. The partner is forced to find ways to cope.
3. Maladaptive coping mechanisms of a sex addict’s partner are easily correlated with several of the most familiar PTSD symptoms:
- Re-experiencing. The partner of a sex addict may regularly flash back to the discovery of the porn, or images of websites his or her partner frequented.
- Avoiding/numbing. Sex and sensuality may be so tied to the experience that his or her feelings and needs in that arena are completely squelched.
- Arousal. The partner may be so troubled that he or she tries to control the sex addict with hypervigilance, continually checking up on him or her, or monitoring the computer.
4. The complex trauma of sex addicts’ partners carry other unique burdens, further entrenching post-traumatic stress. The anxiety experienced by the partner is actually so complex, it may be more like the trauma responses exhibited by rape victims. Some therapists view the partner’s experience as unique because of the deep impact to the interior life of the victim, and refer to it as “sex addiction-induced trauma.”
Partners of sex addicts must manage specific anxiety related to fear of sexually transmitted disease, the real possibility that children in the home may have been molested, and significant social shame. The toll can be unbearable without some form of post-trauma support.
5. The sex addict’s partner may feel invisible and further victimized, even if the addict does seek treatment. The reality is that there has been little focus on the traumatic impact of sex addiction on the partner. The partner’s experience used to be framed within a co-dependent, or co-addict model, focused on education and helping the addict, not treating the partner’s own deep mental and emotional wounds.
A partner of a sex addict is a trauma survivor. PTSD is an all too common response. PTSD treatment may be the best, and most restorative, next step.
