Betrayal comes in many forms. In a relationship, it most often means that one partner had an affair or committed another act of unfaithfulness.
Betrayal trauma is the direct result of this violation of confidence and failure of loyalty.
But it isn’t so much the act of infidelity that causes the deepest and most lasting damage. It’s the profound sense of emotional devastation. The anguish, grief, resentment, and raw anger that the shattering of faith and trust produce can be overwhelming.
It’s exactly those traumatic aspects of betrayal that don’t just go away by themselves. Addressing them with therapy is the only way to achieve healing.
The Traumatic Aspects of Relationship Betrayal
There are several aspects of betrayal that lead to trauma. Let’s consider a few:
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Denied Reality and Devastation of Your Emotional World
In part, the trauma of betrayal stems from the conflict of perceived external reality with what truly took place. Obviously, the unfaithful party knew about their behavior all along, but the revelation of facts often completely blindsides the betrayed partner.
Nothing is what it seemed to be.
More than that, through deception, the cheater often convinces their innocent mate that they are paranoid or mistrusting, while they continue their conduct. In time, this causes the betrayed spouse to doubt their own feelings and intuition. And once the betrayal is disclosed or exposed, the agony of having been lied to and manipulated so completely can utterly devastate a person’s entire emotional world.
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Self-Blame and Self-Destructive Behavior
Initial feelings regarding the betrayal often include anger, confusion, disgust, deep hurt, and shock. Most of these emotions are directed toward the wrongdoer and the betrayal itself. But soon, other, more internal feelings surface. Feelings of shame, guilt, self-hatred, insecurity, embarrassment, and self-blame may arise.
Some betrayed spouses begin experiencing intrusive and obsessive thoughts due to emotional instability as well. Robbed of their security, their sense of self is eventually altered and they actually see themselves as the problem.
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Unpredictable Grief
Certainly, there is a loss. This loss, in turn, causes grief. However, in contrast with the grief, a person experiences due to the loss of a loved one in death, grief due to infidelity includes a few additional aspects.
The grief we feel as a result of death is connected to a definite end. Grief because of broken trust, though, places the betrayed spouse in uncertain and unpredictable circumstances. They find themselves in a situation where the grief-inducing scenario can repeat itself all over again. To make matters much more complicated, they now have to work with the betrayer to mend the rift. And on top of it all, infidelity carries a social stigma that often leads to keeping the betrayal hidden.
Typical manifestations of the above-mentioned traumatic aspects of betrayal are such things as excessive emotional reactions and mood swings, obsessiveness, hypervigilance, sleeplessness and nightmares, compulsiveness, isolation, and a deep sense of powerlessness.
Even worse, these problems can lead to depression, inability to function in daily life, self-destructive behaviors such as alcohol abuse, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) that triggers anxiety, rage, or fear. Lamentably, far too few spouses seek help to deal with all the aspects of betrayal trauma.
They often believe that the person who caused the hurt should get the help, not they themselves. But therapy is a must to overcome the immense devastation the violation caused in their life. Therefore, it’s vital that they receive validation, support, and empathy from a compassionate therapist. Only then can they truly process and manage the overwhelming emotions connected to the trauma of betrayal.
