Isn’t it wonderful, flattering even, when your partner is interested in sex? Really, really interested in sex. Interested all the time, no matter where you are. Interested in all aspects of sex – the act itself but also pictures and videos, novels and websites and conversations and masturbation and magazines. Interested in watching others enjoying sex, masturbating compulsively, cheating or seeking out prostitutes. Interested to the point you begin to wonder if there’s room for anything else in his or her mind?
These may be signs that your partner isn’t just really, really interested in sex, but obsessed and possibly suffering from sex addiction, or hypersexual disorder, as some experts prefer to call the condition. Sex addiction isn’t recognized by the American Psychiatric Association; the APA’s stand is that hyper-sexuality is actually a symptom of another condition like depression, OCD, or bipolar illness and may occur in company with other symptoms like drug use and eating disorders or compulsive behaviors like gambling or overwork. The APA does state that the condition needs further study. Whatever the final outcome, hyper-sexuality is at best a behavior that shouldn’t be ignored.
The signs include:
- Thinking about sex constantly, craving sex, and being unable to stop the craving
- Having sex with more partners than he or she (or you, probably) wants
- Despite wanting to stop, continually engaging in sexual acts
- Allowing the pursuit of sexual activities to interfere with family, work, or other activities
- Being antsy and angry when unable to engage in sexual activity
- Continuing the sexual activity even when it’s clear it puts profession, status, family, and other relationships at risk
- Needing more and more of the activity to feel satisfied
- Pursuing the activity even when it leads to the risk of legal trouble
If that list doesn’t sound like a lot of fun, it’s because sex addiction isn’t fun. It’s a constant and growing need that can be quieted only for a few moments. Its sufferers feel desperation, shame, and guilt, not the giddy excitement of true sexual arousal. Like drug addicts or alcoholics they deny and try to hide their activity. They are unable to control their obsession and eventually lose all they value to its demands. About half of sex offenders and 70 percent of child sexual predators fit the definition of sex addict. This by no means indicates that anyone with a sexual addiction will become a predator, but the condition leads on to misery.
If the list above sounds like your partner, your relationship will be painfully tested. If your partner doesn’t seek help, your relationship may be doomed. Treatment is available and becoming more sophisticated as the number of those with a sexual addiction increase (an estimated 18 to 24 million Americans).
Encourage your partner to consider:
- Individual therapy – There are several types of therapy that may be useful. Interpersonal therapy can help uncover the causes of the addictive behavior. In cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) the client is made aware of their sexual thoughts and activities and substitutes more positive thoughts or actions and plans ahead for how to respond to triggers.
- Group therapy – Meeting with a group of other sufferers, clients learn they are not alone and learn from one another how to cope. Particularly in 12-step programs, based on Alcoholics Anonymous, they practice admitting the addiction and taking responsibility for their actions. The fastest growing 12-step programs address sexual addiction.
- Drugs – The same drugs that help people with depression or OCD or bipolar illness may be useful for sexual addiction, too. These include serotoninergic meds like Prozac or Celexa, mood stabilizers like Depakote or Depo-Provera.
