It’s a noun, a thing, a process.
But when the “secret” is sex addiction, the process of disclosure–whether leaked, discovered, or confessed–feels like a verb, a painful action taken upon you by someone you loved and trusted.
You may wonder whether you can stay.
You may wonder whether you should stay.
What to Do?
With everything on the table, you can see things for what they are.
Flooded with anger, trust issues, and grief, you’ll need time to sort things out.
It is only natural to want some distance and perspective.
For some, this kind of wound in a relationship means divorce.
For others, interested in salvaging their relationship, a temporary separation may provide the space necessary for healing and the time required for partners to embark on recovery.
Why Temporary Separation May Be Wise.
Sometimes couples managing the fallout of one partner’s sexual addiction choose therapeutic separation as a short-term intervention.
There are parameters for the time apart that may be coordinated with a therapist. The idea is to work through some key issues regarding your individual boundaries and commitment. Temporary separation includes the following benefits:
Temporary separation gives you space to rediscover yourself. Allowing yourself time alone to focus on your own response to the situation, and what it means to your relationship, may be best. For all intents and purposes, your partner may not be able to do couples therapy, or even consider the ramifications of his or her actions to your life together yet. Use this transitional time to shelve talk of divorce and rash reactions. Allow your partner time to prove his or her commitment to treatment.
It’s okay to simply use this time to focus on your own needs and identity.
Temporary separation serves to support coinciding therapy rather than an attempt to resist facing the problems between you. The goal is to recognize that sexual addiction is rarely a byproduct of the relationship, but is actually rooted in the addict’s past and ineffective coping mechanisms.
Your partner has a difficult road ahead. He or she must commit fully to the therapeutic process to recover.
Initially, your partner’s sex addiction is not couple’s work.
Take this time to deal with any enabling or codependent behaviors and build a support system through therapy sessions of your own.
Temporary separation may make the addict’s necessary abstinence from sex easier. Sex addiction recovery usually requires a period of time without sexual activity of any kind. By initiating time apart at the beginning of therapy, you may be alleviated of any sexual pressure or obligation. Similarly, your partner receives the freedom to devote him or herself to recovery without distraction.
Your temporary separation will eventually conclude, at which time you will have the opportunity to navigate your relationship with fresh eyes. If you’ve both done your therapy work, you will come together again, significantly changed. You’ll have the chance to determine the terms of your union with a healthier sense of yourselves and your commitment to each other. From there, you can better determine which direction to take your relationship. Joint sessions with a counselor to tackle communication and heal your relationship are appropriate at this point.
Disclosure of sex addiction can leave you feeling emotionally raw.
You may be overwhelmed and discouraged by the process that looms ahead.
Try to remember that you still have options.
Permanent separation isn’t the only path.
You and your partner need to take care of yourselves individually.
Temporary separation can be the road toward healing and redemption.
Don’t be afraid to take the time you need.
As always, speak with yout therapist to determine if this option is appropriate for you.
