Do you wonder how you could have gone so far?
Looking at the havoc wrought on your life, your relationships, and your self-esteem by your sex addiction, are you struggling with devastating shame?
How in the world can you get through this?
You probably knew that, eventually, your double life would catch up with you. But you might not have known how intense the shame would be. To go on, you’ll have to learn tools to manage shame as part of your recovery. Consider the following ways to cope with the shame of your other life.
Define your terms: it’s important to know what you’re dealing with.
As with most addictions, guilt and shame are factors for sex addicted people.
However, there is a distinct difference between the two feelings:
Guilt involves an admission of wrongdoing and that you feel bad about your mistake.
Shame is a belief that your wrongdoing equates to there being something fundamentally wrong with you as a person.
Shame can be devastatingly painful and difficult to overcome. It is deeply internal and must be addressed from the inside out. Therapy is crucial. Shame is often much more difficult to resolve and cope with than guilt. Remind yourself that you are seeking treatment because you deserve a better, non-addicted life. Decide that shame must not be allowed to impede your progress.
Find people who get it: refuse to let shame block the way to those who understand.
Shame succeeds in plaguing a sex addicted person with feelings of self disgust, worthlessness, and depression because it is an isolating core belief. It constantly whispers, “I can’t believe you did that,” “How could anyone want to deal with you” or “Who’d consider a future with you now?”
To combat this assault on your mind, it is vital to seek the support of people who “get you” immediately. You have to interrupt the isolation that convinces you that you are alone in your shame, as hidden as you were when you indulged the addiction in the first place.
Though “sex addiction” is not yet considered an official disorder, there are hundreds of support groups dedicated to helping men and women process what they’ve done to themselves and their loved ones. Sharing with others who aren’t shocked and judgmental goes a long way in helping you unload, forgive yourself, and move forward. Look for a 12-step meeting or similar program in your area.
Appeal to your people: you need the support of your loved ones to overcome shame.
It may be difficult to think of seeking your loved ones support right now. That’s because you don’t yet have the tools to do it. Recovery from sex addiction is no easy task. It can take a long time, longer if shame is dogging your steps. To have your loved one’s’ understanding is invaluable as you navigate treatment. The shame you feel can be reduced significantly by family members who are willing to attend a treatment program that helps you all heal. Shame won’t be able to drag you under if your family provides a lifeline.
Accept responsibility. Seek to make amends.
Facing your mistakes and the damage you’ve caused is an important part of moving past shame. Perhaps all you can do is apologize. Perhaps you’ll need to ask the people you’ve hurt what, if anything, would help restore the broken trust. Shame takes a backseat to an honest attempt to make things right. You may find you can start to move forward with a measure of self-respect restored.
