Now it’s out. Full disclosure.
Time to cope and move forward.
Somehow, you need to productively deal with the realities of sex addiction in your relationship, in your home, and in your mind. But how?
There is hope, and renewal is possible. Try these strategies:
- Grieve.
No good comes from minimizing the gravity of the betrayal, emotional pain, and relational rifts that have taken place. Sexual addiction is deeply saddening, even trauma-inducing, for those affected. Give yourself the right to see this for what it is– without labeling your feelings wrong, or somehow invalid. Honor your own story and emotions.
- Go easy on the details.
Disclosure is shocking, unsettling too, on the wave of questions you want answered. All of a sudden, your relationship history is thrown into this terrible context. And you think you want to know everything. Try to remember you are in crisis mode. Details, to some degree, are necessary. Too many, in too short a time period, could prove too painful. Take some time to really think through what is helpful initially.
- Establish your boundaries.
Depending upon whether your partner is seeking treatment, your own hopes for the relationship, and your mutual ability to reestablish trust, you’ll have to determine what it will take to remain together. Or make plans to let the relationship go.
- Take care.
Regardless of whether the relationship is salvageable and treatment is successful, you need to take care of yourself. Expect to feel moody and tired. Sleep and eating disturbances may occur. Take care of your body and mind. Eat and sleep as well as you can. Exercise to release anxious energy and stave off depression. Find ways to self soothe and relax.
If your daily function is still highly affected after a couple of weeks, see your doctor.
- Receive care.
To cope and recover, you’ll need the support of healing relationships. Choose people who are safe, non-judgmental, and exceptional listeners. Sometimes family and friends are too close to the situation. A counselor is a valuable person to share and process feelings with. Sometimes one or two safe people that know you well are vital.
Withdrawal limits healing. Your people are paramount right now. Don’t let shame or secrets isolate you.You need people to listen to the truth, to comfort and support you.
- Brace yourself.
The journey through addiction is often winding, rather than a straight walk toward recovery. You may not have the full story yet, especially if disclosure occurred outside the context of a recovery program. Many addicts “stagger” their disclosure initially.
Addiction carries the possibility of relapse. That reality is difficult to accept, and requires physical and emotional boundaries on your part. Recognize recurring issues, co-occurring conditions, and risk factors.
Connect with a support group, or work through a 12-step plan to help you understand your role in your relationship’s past, the realities of life with a sex-addicted person, and how to make changes for the better.
- Claim your right to share your own pain.
Your spouse may be uncomfortable about you sharing your heartbreak with others. This isn’t unusual. However, your partner has his or her story, and you have yours.
Assure your partner that you’ll be discreet, but express clearly that your own recovery depends on being able to talk about how his/her sexual behaviors have impacted you. Consider actually writing him or her an “impact letter.” Use journaling as means of articulating what happened, and gaining more insight.
- Accept.
Understand that your sexuality, self-image, and emotional perspective are altered by this experience. Consider individual counseling as you move forward.
