It feels like this is your fault.
It seems like somehow you could have prevented this.
Or stopped the whole mess earlier.
The pain of it is heartbreaking.
It feels like you should be able to help your partner.
Change your partner.
It seems like you must have some part in this.
Because if you don’t, aren’t you just helpless?
Helpless to watch your relationship suffer? Your life suffer?
Aren’t you just at the mercy of sexual addiction?
No.
Discovering that your partner is sex addicted is a crisis in your relationship and, often, in your own heart and mind.
All of a sudden, you may feel very alone and very afraid for the person you love. You may wonder about the feasibility and future of your relationship.
For a while, you may try to ignore the problem, or diminish it.
Then little by little you may start to feel guilty, even responsible, for your partner’s compulsive sexual behavior.
Don’t believe for a second that you have control over your partner’s acting out!
If sexual addiction is your partner’s problem, it is important that you learn how you can deal with it without sacrificing your own life, peace, and recovery.
First, You Did Not Cause This. Your partner’s addiction didn’t originate with you.
Sexual addiction is unwanted and uncontrollable.
Your partner’s compulsivity is unique.
It is made up of his or her own combination of internal and external pressures.
The term “sexual addict” actually speaks to a variety of addict types.
For example, your partner may be addicted to the pleasure and chemical release sex offers (biological addict). Or he or she may trying to ease depression or anxiety through sex (mood-disordered addict).
Your level of attractiveness, attention, or sexual interest has nothing to with your partner’s obsession.
You did not cause your partner’s sexual addiction.
Next, You Cannot Cure This. Your partner must do his or her own work.
Sexual addiction does respond to therapy.
Your partner’s problem is not unsolvable.
But you must accept that you cannot provide the answers.
The help your partner needs in order to best address the addiction will likely come from outside your relationship, from a professional source.
Again, this problem is not about something you did or didn’t do.
And it isn’t about something you can fix for your spouse.
To recover fully, your partner’s work will be difficult and comprehensive.
In the meantime, you have your own healing to do.
You cannot cure your partner’s sexual addiction.
Finally, You Can Only Take Care of You. You must focus on your own healthy recovery and boundaries.
Sexual addiction has taken its toll on you.
Your partner’s problem has created work you need to do for yourself.
Accept responsibility just for your own work.
Therapy may be a valuable place to begin dealing with the effect your partner’s addiction has had, and will continue to have, on your self-image and your potential future together.
You need time to deal with the trauma of it all.
You need let go of the guilt and express your confusion, disgust, hurt, and anger.
Neither of you can offer the other your best support or help.
It’s okay that you can only take care of yourself right now.
Your partner’s sex addiction is NOT your fault.
The time spent on the Internet, the extra charges on the credit card, the humiliation you feel now that your partner has turned away from you.
It’s easy to take these things on yourself.
Don’t.
Just take care of yourself.
Reach out to a counselor or support group to begin healing right away.
