Sexual betrayal is a complex issue.
Your partner may at first have tried to minimize their behavior. Perhaps they were worried you would leave them if you knew the whole truth.
You, on the other hand, may have pummeled them with question after question. Perhaps you felt completely confused and overwhelmed by the revelation of their betrayal.
As a couple trying to make sense of what happened, your approach may have been disorganized and fruitless. You weren’t able to handle it on your own.
Muddling through your raw emotions didn’t help either of you heal. It only caused more anger, denial, blame, and accusations.
Eventually, you reached out for professional aid to help you navigate through the healing process. A beneficial and brave step!
Then, your therapists suggested participating in a formal disclosure—an open and complete revelation of your partner’s sexual acting out.
How can you now prepare yourself to hear all that your partner has to say?
How to Prepare for Your Partner’s Disclosure
So much power has been robbed or manipulated from you during the course of your partner’s sexual acting out, lying, and betrayal. To heal, you need structure and empowerment. Formal disclosure can provide that.
A formal disclosure is designed to give you the details of what actually happened in a short period of time. Not over weeks, or months, or even years. It is like ripping a bandaid off a wound so that it can get air and begin healing. While that may seem scary and painful, it’s absolutely necessary.
Preparation is the key to ensuring the best possible outcome. Consider what you can do to be ready:
Prepare by grounding yourself
While you may not feel like doing much for yourself—even neglecting to eat well—you have to make sure you keep yourself mentally, emotionally, and physically in the best shape you can. Find ways to relax and calm yourself. Get a massage, take long walks, or prepare a collection of soothing music. Balance is paramount to calm your nerves.
Prepare a support network
Keeping everything bottled up until the time of the disclosure is not productive. Of course, you have your therapist to talk to for much-needed support and guidance. But don’t forget to seek non-professional support as well. Share your anxiety, your fears, and your pain with those who love you. Confide in those who show empathy, can be non-judgmental and will keep matters confidential.
Prepare to set boundaries
Allow the disclosure process to empower you by considering and setting limits. For example, recognize that you get to control the place where the disclosure will take place. Don’t negate that right. You may also want to ponder what level of detail you want to hear and what may be the most painful to hear. Finally, you certainly want to decide which of your partner’s behaviors you would consider deal breakers for your relationship.
Prepare questions
While you’re pondering these things, write down questions you want to be answered. Just remember, too much information can backfire. Ask yourself what you need to know to feel validated and empowered. Consider which questions to ask your partner about their sexual acting out, including affairs, seeking out prostitutes, visiting topless bars, or sexual massage parlors. Also, prepare to ask about the time frame of your partner’s betrayal, the frequency, and whether they practiced unsafe sex, etc.
Prepare for a wave of volatile emotions
Oh yes, the formal disclosure will rock your boat. Don’t even imagine that you can fight that. Prepare yourself to have to process things over and over. Don’t suppress your feelings. Own them! It’s the way you’ll start healing.
Most of all, don’t hold back from telling your partner how you feel—open and honestly. Give them a chance to feel the pain with you and be supportive, understanding, and empathetic. It’s your grief, but they caused it!
Through it all, therapy and disclosure, remember to be patient and keep hope alive. Time is the greatest healer of all. You can’t rush the process, no matter how much you wish it to be over. But you can certainly prepare well to reap the most beneficial results.
