It symbolically represents a new beginning in the process of rebuilding a couple’s connection. For that reason, it is a major piece in the recovery of a mutually respectful relationship dynamic.
To ensure that both are ready for this step, formal disclosure usually doesn’t take place until 3-6 months into the recovery process.
This gives the sex addict some time to stay “sober” and process their own actions. This permits a more complete and honest disclosure.
Usually, the addict very carefully kept all their sexually addictive activities a secret. Formal disclosure, though, requires them to communicate all these matters openly and clearly.
What exactly does the addict share? And what details would be included?
What “All” Is Shared During Formal Disclosure?
1. Simple and clear facts
A formal disclosure needs to be straightforward and clear. It should include enough information for the sex addict’s partner to follow the order of events and get a complete and honest picture of the facts.
2. Types of sexual acting out behaviors
The addict must provide details about the types of sexual behavior they engaged in—such as sexual intercourse, oral sex, masturbation, etc. (including behavior that did not involve physical sex acts). This information should allow their partner to gain a good understanding of what happened in each incident. While general details are usually sufficient—and more advisable—references can’t be vague, confusing, or incomplete. If the details given are not satisfactory to the betrayed partner, the addict should be willing to give more particular information and answer any additional questions.
3. Time frames and frequency
Approximate time frames and frequency of acting out behaviors should be included in the disclosure. This calls for some time references to when the incidents happened to how often a specific activity was repeated. The addict should also indicate the date they last engaged in these behaviors and/or the date of the last contact with their affair partner(s).
4. Sexual acting out partners
Regarding these affairs or sexual acting out partners, the sex addict does not need to provide the names of those that are not known to their relationship partner. Noting them by gender and how many there were will be sufficient. However, if this person is known to the partner ( a family member, friend, neighbor, or coworker), names should be supplied.
5. Lying and other secrets
Any lies or secrets that directly or indirectly impact their partner and other family members need to be revealed. This includes putting their partner at risk (health issues due to sexual acting out), putting their children at risk (exposing them to pornography, etc.), and putting their career at risk. It also encompasses money spent on their addiction or pending legal problems (arrests, fathering any children, lawsuits, etc.).
6. Non-sexual destructive behavior
The fact is, beyond sexual acting out, other, non-sexual yet destructive, behaviors can cause trauma to the sex addict’s partner and others. These matters should also be included in the disclosure. It may also encompass situations like verbal, emotional, and physical abuse. While this part does not have to be as detailed as the sexual portion, it must be addressed as well. In particular, whether there are any lingering ties to the sexual acting out behavior.
7. Remorse and taking responsibility
If the sex addict has already gained some insight through therapy, it’s appropriate that they share what they have learned. For example, why they behaved the way they did and the impact of their addiction on their life and their partner and family. It’s important that this portion of the disclosure makes clear that the addict accepts full responsibility for their actions and that they do not seek to blame anyone else. It’s also crucial that they demonstrate empathy and validate their partner’s feelings. And above all, this part provides an opportunity for the addict to show genuine remorse.
As you can see from this information, a formal disclosure isn’t something a sex addict can just wing. It must be a well thought out and well-structured confession. After all, its goal is to bridge the rift the addict’s behavior has caused in the relationship.
Clearly, taking responsibility and making amends for all the things they’ve done isn’t for the faint-hearted. It requires a lot of effort and courage. Especially since they have to do it face-to-face with the person they’ve hurt most.
