“A prison of my own design.”
“Walls of withdrawal and withheld affection.”
“…a marital cancer.”
Emotional, spiritual and sexual intimacy are intentionally and perpetually withheld by the “intimacy anorexic,” regardless of the damage done to their partner (who generally longed for a more fulfilled connection), or to the relationship in general.
The spouse who craves intimacy is at the mercy of the one who withholds it, until he or she can no longer accept such treatment, and either demands therapeutic treatment, or dissolves the relationship.
Does this sound like your marriage?
Can you overcome this?
Yes, but It won’t be easy.
You’ll need help and determination, but you definitely won’t regret it.
Let’s look at how to start making significant relationship changes:
Step One: Understand how you got here.
The reasons behind intimacy anorexia usually boil down to four basic causes:
- Possible sexual abuse.
- Probable addiction to porn, self-sexual behavior, or sex with others outside of the marriage.
- Potential lack of attachment to the opposite gender parent.
- Possible lack of intimacy role modeling in the family of origin.
Step Two: Recognize you’re in this with your spouse (you always were).
In an effort to spare yourself the uncertainty of vulnerability in your relationship, you made your partner suffer. Your partner accepted that reality. Why? To get to the bottom of it, you’ll both have some tough emotional work to do. Avoidance is at the core of your relationship problem. Any more attempts to ignore, or hold back, ensures your relationship will continue to dissolve.
Step Three: Build intimacy across the board, whether you feel like it or not.
Accept that there will be times that you don’t feel like putting in the effort. Vulnerability does not come natural to you. You’re prone to sexual bingeing outside your relationship, and indulging intimacy starvation within it. Feeling like doing anything else won’t come naturally for a while, but keep working.
What actions should be taken?
- Seek the help of an IA trained therapist. Traditional marriage counseling is not built for this.
- Accept that, as an anorexic, you will be responsible for making a daily effort to connect. Your spouse has a right to establish some clearly defined boundaries, and consequences, for any attempt at “intimacy sabotage.”
- Heed intimacy anorexia pioneer Dr. Doug Weiss’ recommendation that the non-anorexic seek a “healing community” for support and understanding. Processing the feelings of intimacy deprivation is key, as is finding “healthier sources of intimacy nourishment.”
It takes time to learn to stay engaged and remain attentive.
Keep at it. The intimate feelings will come.
Step Four: Develop an awareness of danger signs that signal relapse.
You may be tempted to grab a couple of emotional bricks, and start rebuilding the walls between you. Don’t. Reach rather than “acting in.” Put down the bricks of silence, withdrawal, and anger. Give everything you’ve got to knocking down the rest of your walls. Try to develop a list of your own behaviors to watch. Some of those behaviors may include, but are not limited to:
- Staying too busy to connect
- Blaming instead of assuming responsibility
- Demonstrating anger/silent punishing
- Criticizing
- Withholding sex and affection
- Withholding emotion
- Controlling with finances or property
Respect, boundaries, and consequences are essential parts of a relationship. Intimacy anorexia doesn’t’ play by those rules. To overcome this “cancer,” you’ll need to remain accountable and transparent and vulnerable. Find a qualified therapist today to help you. It’s not worth going it alone any longer. No more walls.
